


happy christmas!

by anorangecarrot



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen Walker Needs a Hug, Birthday Party, Character Study, Christmas Party, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Merry Christmas, Not Beta Read, i guess, like seriously someone please hug him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28128744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anorangecarrot/pseuds/anorangecarrot
Summary: Red thought that Allen was flawless.Allen thought that he was flawed.Turns out, the Order didn't care either way. Allen was family, after all.
Relationships: Allen Walker & Everyone
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	happy christmas!

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly don't know where i was going with this one but here you go :D
> 
> oh and brace yourselves for an abrupt ending!! sorry...

He liked to believe that Allen was flawless.

  
  


He liked to believe that his façade was delicately crafted, never having difficulty finding the right words and expressions for any situation. He liked to believe that Allen was ready for anything. (Anything and everything he wasn’t ready for.)

  
  


And that annoyed him to no end.

  
  


Though as foolproof as the mask was, all that glitters is not gold. Under the waves of gentle smiles and shining moonlit eyes, he was suffocating. Grieving. _Breaking_.

  
  


He was only human, after all.

  
  


“Stupid mask.”

  
  


He’d rip it off during the night and toss it aside, body sore and unceremoniously slumped against the bedpost. When the sun peeked out from the treeline the next morning, he’d shove the mask back on and scurry to get ready for the day.

  
  


He could do this. After all, he’d been doing this routinely ever since Mana died.

  
  


Ever since he’d killed Mana.

  
  


Ah, yes, Mana - the man that Allen was sculpted after. He was thankful for Mana; the elder had introduced them to the world outside of the circus. Mana had taught him every trick in the book of kindness, generosity and courtesy. Mana had taught him how to gain people’s trust. Mana had taught him how to live on like a ‘normal’ person.

  
  


Mana had taught him how to be ~~a monster~~ flawless.

  
  


But old habits die hard, he’d supposed. He couldn’t resist the scowl, the snarky attitude, the deep-set rules of the circus. He couldn’t become the ~~monster~~ gentleman Mana had taught him to be.

  
  


He, too, was a monster, of course. Him and Allen, both monsters in their own ways and ‘human’ in others, complimented each other like fire and ice; he was the yin to Allen’s yang. He was the dark to Allen’s light.

  
  


Or was it the other way around?

  
  


* * *

  
  


Allen believed that he was flawed.

  
  


He believed that he lacked in areas where Red wasn’t, struggling to express anger or discontentment - of which was a mixture of both his and Red’s explosive feelings. Despite this, he believed that he was ready for anything. (Anything and everything that Red was ready for.)

  
  


And that annoyed him to no end.

  
  


“Happy Christmas, ‘Sprout!”

  
  


“What Lavi means is ‘happy birthday and merry Christmas’. Happy birthday and merry Christmas, Allen!”

  
  


Allen was all too familiar with dishing out thanks to compliments and the like. “Thank you, Lavi, Lenalee.”

  
  


They shared mischievous glances, their lips wavering as if they were bursting with excitement and happiness on the inside. Lenalee caught his gloved hand and began dragging him down the hall, the redhead hot on their tails; Allen’s sputtered confusion went ignored for most of the trip.

  
  


For him, surprises were never good. Surprises meant tiny windows of time for emotional preparation. Surprises meant mystery. Surprises meant that anything could happen. (Anything and everything both Allen and Red weren’t ready for.)

  
  


They stopped in front of closed doors - the cafeteria’s doors.

  
  


He sucked in a breath.

  
  


As light poured out of the opening doors, Lenalee and Lavi each held his hand on either side, pulling him into the bustling cafeteria.

  
  


“Happy birthday, Allen Walker! And Merry Christmas!” was the first thing he heard.

  
  


A crowd surrounded him, bouncing and flouncing about in pure excitement. The Black Order surrounded him, wishing him both a happy birthday and merry Christmas with dazzling smiles and eager eyes.

  
  


Allen didn’t know what to do. No one had ever said ‘happy birthday’ to him.

  
  


How would Mana act in this situation?

  
  


He’d never wished Mana a happy birthday, only wishing the man a merry Christmas in a low mumble; they’d never discussed their birthdays. Hell, Allen had only learnt of what it meant months into training with Cross.

  
  


“Merry... merry Christmas, Mana.”

  
  


“Oh? What was that-? Mana couldn’t hear you, Allen,” the clown teased, clearly feigning ignorance.

  
  


Red- Allen grumbled in response. “Mm... Chr-s.”

  
  


Mana’s lips pulled into an amused grin. He ruffled the younger’s hair, earning a string of rather colourful language from the boy.

  
  


“Merry Christmas to you too, my sweet Allen.”

  
  


Allen was no better than Red was; neither one knew how to react in a Mana-accepted way.

  
  


How would Mana reciprocate?

  
  


How would Mana return the kindness a hundred times stronger?

  
  


How would Mana-?

  
  


“Allen, here are everyone’s gifts for you!” Lenalee led him to a table, too excited to notice Allen’s daze- no, it was a mountain of boxes. Each present was unique, from the colour of wrapping paper and ribbons to the size of the box.

  
  


“I…” he uttered, but the words seemed to die in his throat. “I don’t... I don’t deserve this.”

  
  


“What do you mean, Allen?” Johnny asked from the crowd, confused, “of course you deserve this. The party, the presents, the celebration; you deserve all of it.”

  
  


The boy’s eyes floated over the cafeteria, all the things dedicated to him - even though it was Christmas - “I don’t... I can’t possibly-” (-accept all of these.)

  
  


But that was a rude thing to say, right? They went through all the trouble to think up and gather the gifts for him. They put in all that effort for him.

  
  


Allen liked to believe that he didn’t deserve kindness.

  
  


He liked to believe that he was a monster. A liar that didn’t deserve the truth. An abomination that didn’t deserve love. A cursed, grieving being that didn’t deserve humanity’s kindness.

  
  


“Oi, Moyashi, I don’t care what you’re thinking right now,” Kanda snapped.

  
  


Allen looked up.

  
  


“These gifts?” Kanda gestured at the towering pile of colour, “birthday present, Christmas gift, whatever the fuck they are, they’re yours. You deserve it, goddammit.”

  
  


“I…”

  
  


Allen struggled to voice out his discontent. Red struggled to compensate for Allen. The memories of Mana struggled to compensate for both of them.

  
  


Lavi crept up behind him, and whispered into his ear, “you can just be yourself, ya’ know? It’s alright to, uh, not put up that act every once in a while. If you get what I mean.”

  
  


But Allen... Allen had to act like Mana.

  
  


_But Mana’s Allen was flawed_ , he thought.

  
  


**Mana’s Allen was a monster** , Red reasoned. **Something so flawless it was a monster**.

  
  


“Thank you,” Allen’s quiet voice cut through the silence, earning everyone’s attention. “Thank you - all of you.”

  
  


He flashed a soft smile - one that wasn’t forced. “Thank you all for the gifts. ‘Birthday present, Christmas gift, whatever the fuck-’” he ignored the gasps, “‘-they are’, they’re mine. And I will gratefully accept them, as I deserve it. Because they’re gifts from my family.”

  
  


**Bold statement, Allen.**

  
  


_Shut it, Red._

  
  


**I like you.**

  
  


_Pardon?_

  
  


**You’re being you. Allen. Not Mana’s Allen. Not flawless.**

  
  


_Oh, shush._

  
  


“EVERYONE! DID YOU HEAR THAT?” Lavi shouted at the top of his lungs despite having a speakerphone to his mouth, “WE’RE ALL FAMILY HERE. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?”

  
  


The Order erupted into chaos. “YES WE ARE!”

  
  


Allen believed that it didn’t matter if he was flawless. It didn’t matter if Red thought that Mana’s Allen or Allen was flawless. It didn’t matter if Allen thought that he himself was flawless.

  
  


It didn’t matter if he was a monster or a liar or a cursed being; he was surrounded by the people he loved the most, and they loved him back.

**Author's Note:**

> merry christmas!! and happy bday to allen, my favourite boyo
> 
> to all my [osaf](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26877712/chapters/65580640) peeps, haha... hi. i'm sorry- i'm just procrastinating,,
> 
> thanks for reading and have a wonderful holiday to you all <3! stay safe and take care :)
> 
> edit (8/1/21): i made a [carrd](https://anorangecarrot.carrd.co/#) so you can learn more about me & find me on other platforms :>


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